The muscle still works

Photos from my travels in Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania

“It was the best!”

I’ve answered every question about my trip like this. Today I asked myself: Was I just giving the expected answer?

I wasn’t.

I have good reason to question myself. I’ve spent a lot of years giving the expected answer, without realizing I was doing it.

This wasn’t just any trip for me. It’s the first trip I’ve taken by myself in over three decades (and then I was moving my life across the world as a student). It’s also the first time I have been completely alone for several days in countries I’ve never visited, on a continent I’ve only passed through.

I started the trip with a friend, but then broke off to travel solo. From then on, every decision was mine. And barring some broad strokes, I didn’t have any idea what I was going to do. On previous trips, I willingly let someone else make the plans.

What this trip gave me was a sense of agency. Of confidence. Of knowing I was perfectly capable of navigating new situations easily and well. It’s not that I didn’t know this. I just hadn’t done it in a while. The muscle still works.

The other thing it did was take me out of my head and kick me firmly into the present. I had told myself that whatever happened – flight delays, lost baggage – I would take all of it as part of the experience. This resolve was tested a couple of times. It held. Being surrounded by new and beautiful things I wanted to learn about kept me alive and engaged in a way I haven’t been in a very long time. I wanted to remember the fairy-tale buildings that looked like giant frosted cakes, the glow of amber in the street stalls, the glint of red from the raspberries growing by the roadside. I soaked it all in. On phone calls to family, I talked animatedly and they commented on something I hadn’t realized: how excited I sounded.

I had no time to dissect, to analyze, to second-guess. I chose what to do based on how I felt in the moment. It was immensely freeing. You can have the most undemanding travel companion and if you are someone like me, you will still end up making concessions to not appear selfish or uncaring.

This was a time for me to make no concessions. To be completely, wholly me. And I loved every second.

I don’t know why I have never done this before. I always told myself I could travel when I retire. It seems ridiculous now. Why wait? I’m lucky enough to have my own funds, if not to travel in luxury, to travel comfortably. But my vacation time is limited. A solo trip means choosing myself over plans with other people, and for years, I’ve defaulted to pleasing other people.

I didn’t know I was neglecting a part of myself.

The last evening of the whole journey, I returned to the place I had started from and had dinner with my friend. As we hugged goodbye, she whispered into my ear: ”You did it!”

“I did!” I replied.

“And you will again,” she said.

Yes. Yes, I will.